How to Spot a Sociopath or Psychopath
Before You Become A Target
A sociopath is someone who
is essentially devoid of a conscience. That means that no matter how bad of an
effect they have on other people, they will never feel bad. They have no
remorse for their long history of violating others, for their deception, lies and
oppression of others. They are unable to form intimate relationships, and their
sense of entitlement along with their superiority complex makes it easy for
them to use others like I use Kleenex at a wedding.
Sociopaths take what they
want at other people’s expense – be it material things like money, cars, and
jewelry, or intrinsically held valuables
such as your reputation or your dignity - and never feel the slightest bit
guilty. Rather, they look back back on all their conquests of others with a
sense of smug satisfaction and pride in their ‘work’; feeling totally justified
in everything they do.
To a sociopath, the purpose
of everyone else’s existence is to be THEIR tool or THEIR toy to do with what THEY
please. A sociopath may choose you as his target simply because you are there. They
lure their intended victim in by becoming whatever that person needs at that
moment – a shoulder to cry on, a crazy night out, your soul mate. They gain
their victim’s trust and lull them into a false sense of security. The victim has no idea what’s about to
happen.
Once the sociopath knows his
target’s defenses are down, they strike. Promises get broken, obligations are
not met, considerations are not given. Depending on the nature of the
relationship, the type of harm inflicted on the target may vary from stealing
their life savings to destroying their career to breaking their heart. These poor souls never seem to know what hit them. They are left stunned and
confused wondering, ”what did I do wrong?”
But that’s the wrong
question because it’s not about YOU or anything YOU did. It’s completely about THEM
and THEIR need to cause pain and turmoil in order to confirm their power and
superiority over others. The sociopath’s past is inevitably littered with
unfortunate victims who did NOTHING to deserve the nightmare inflicted on them.
I want to make sure this is VERY clear: The victims of sociopaths DID NOTHING TO DESERVE
the anguish the sociopaths inflict on them.
Have you ever heard the expression: “It’s not you, it’s me.” Well in
this case, “It’s not you, it’s them.”
With a staggering 1 in 25 people being
sociopathic, chances are you'll cross paths with at least a few in your lifetime.
Think of 25 people you know right now, odds are at least one of them is a
sociopath.
If you are like me, you're
running through your mental rolodex as fast as you can right now to see if you
know any of these monsters. You are
probably thinking to yourself "I don't know anyone
like that!" After all,
you'd KNOW if someone was a sociopath. If a
crazy person was in your midst, you would FEEL it. Right?
The answer is: No. Probably
not. Unfortunately, sociopaths look and
can act just like the rest of us. Other than the lack of a conscience, which
they are masters at concealing, there is no obvious feature that makes them easy to spot. That’s a
problem because we want to be able to identify any potential danger before it reaches us and, as far as dangerous things go,
sociopaths are near the top of the list – just under lions, cobras, active
volcanoes and F5 tornadoes.
There ARE, however, a few
defining characteristics of their personality that can be fairly easy to
identify ONCE YOU KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR. It is
CRITICAL that we develop reliable ways of identifying the signs of an imminent
danger approaching so we can protect and defend ourselves and our loved ones. So, where do we begin?
We begin where we always do
– at the beginning. See, whether you
realize it or not, whenever you meet someone, the first thing your brain tries
to do is decide if this new person is safe for you and your family to be around.
We try to ‘size them up,” so to speak. The
result is referred to as our First Impression.
We all want to make a good
First Impression. So we put our best foot forward to try to appear more
interesting & interested; more engaging & engaged; more decent;
smarter; or whatever so that people will like us.
To help determine a
First Impression, we look for anything about that person that we feel gives us
insight into who this guy really is. And I do mean ANYTHING: race, gender, age,
weight, clothes, their handshake, their eyes, their mannerisms, an accent, the
color or style of their hair, and the list goes on and on. If we manage to find something about the
person that is judgmentable (ok, I made that word up because it fits my
purpose. It means “sufficient to make a judgment based on…”), it is usually
because we knew someone else with that characteristic. So we inevitably attribute whatever we knew and felt
about that person to this person.
This method of loose association may work for us once in a while, but what if
that one characteristic is literally the ONLY thing those two people have in common? How accurate can
our assessment be? As you can see, it can become a game of hit-and-miss – much
like Russian roulette. What we need is to realize
that none of these criteria we use to
judge whether or not someone poses a risk to ourselves and loved ones are as
useful or as relevant as whether or not they have a conscience.
But you can’t SEE a conscience like you can see, for example, race and
gender. As highly evolved as our technique is, it is still evolving. We’d like
to think it works perfect all the time. But it doesn’t. It can be unreliable, uncertain and (gasp!) it can even be wrong. (OMG!) So what can we do ?
We can learn. We can
educate. We can share experiences.
It is our evolutionary duty as human beings to
try to improve ourselves past the previous generation that bore us - and we
improve through education. We learn; we solve; we evolve. But the study of sociopaths, or sociopathy, is
a relatively new field so not much is known yet.
So gather up all the info
you can find, then add your own observations and findings to it. This is how
we, as human beings, can advance our skills and evolve our technique. It is in this spirit that I share my knowledge
and experience here with anyone who wants it.
For the past 3 years I have
logged hundreds, maybe even thousands, of hours on line researching anything I
could find to help me figure out how to better deal with the sociopaths in my
life. I have read books and magazine articles, watched documentaries, and
recorded years of observations with the goal of wanting to understand how these
people think and what motivates them to treat others like they are inferior and
disposable, or worse.
Even though all sociopaths
are not the same, there are common features among the vast majority that may
give you the advantage if you are astute enough to recognize some of the early
warning signals that every sociopath inevitably puts out.
Here are some basic Red
Flags that everyone should practice recognizing for their own safety and
well-being.
Red Flags
In the Beginning…the goal of the sociopath is to lure
you into their web. They do that by trying to gain your trust. Usually that
will involve convincing you that they are your best friend or devoted lover,
but they may also try to gain your trust by assuming a professional role such
as your financial advisor, lawyer, teacher or even your therapist. A position
of authority is ideal because we have a tendency to automatically trust authority
figures even though they are strangers to us. We actually need a reason to NOT
trust them, rather than vice versa. It
seems weird because it sounds so
illogical, right?
Well, it IS illogical, and we need to get out
of the habit of doing it. We need to stop looking at others through a veil of
preconceived notions and learn to judge them with more educated discernment
than we ever have before. One in twenty-five is a lot of people, but these
techniques will help you identify individuals who will become dangerous even if
they are not true sociopaths. Because the goal here is not to haphazardly slap
labels on others, our goal is to minimize the damage. It is necessary to catch
on to their game in this first stage if you are to have any hope of escaping
unscathed.
Once they’ve got you caught in their web, that’s
when their fun begins and damage to you begins. So the trick is to recognize
the signs and remove yourself before they can get that far. Here are some common, easy-to-spot Red Flags
that everyone should learn to identify:
1.
Instant Best Friend Act
This is when you meet someone and you have so much in
common and get along so great that you become best friends almost instantly. They
like everything you like. They believe in the same stuff you believe in. They
have the same convictions as you do. They agree with basically everything you
say. The more someone is like us, the more we feel we can trust them. They let you lead the conversation. This
makes you feel important, like what you have to say MATTERS to someone. But it
is ACTUALLY vital to gaining your trust because this way they don’t have to
guess at what you will relate to, they can simply agree with everything you
say.
Most people won’t even
notice that their new friend never puts forth his or her own independent
thoughts or ideas in a conversation. Of course, it’s possible the new guy is
still a little shy. If you are unsure, a good strategy is to ask questions that
can help you get a clearer understanding as to the extent of their conviction
on an issue they’ve agreed with you about. Ambiguous or generalized answers
should trigger a Red Flag. You want
answers that are heartfelt and that do not sound rehearsed.
2. The Pity Play
Sociopaths LOVE sympathy. They love it. Sympathy will
make you an easier target. When we feel sorry for someone we are far more
likely to let that person get with so much more than if they weren’t “going
through such a hard time right now.” Not only do we let them get away with
more, like being lazy, losing their cool, being rude to others, not cleaning up
after themselves, and shirking responsibilities, but we also make excuses for
them to rationalize and justify their bad behavior to ourselves and anyone who complains about it. The sociopath’s favorite
thing about sympathy, however, is that we let our guard down because we tend to
not feel very threatened by someone we feel sorry for. They seem harmless, but
they definitely are NOT.
3. No Family or Friends to Turn To
This usually goes hand-in-hand with Playing the Victim. How are they going to take advantage of you if you think they have someone else who can help them? Exactly. So whoever they live with is going to be either cheating on them or bullying them or kicking them out. So, if you find yourself wondering how anyone could turn against such a NICE person, you can probably bet they are NOT such a “nice” person.
4. The See-You-Can-Trust-Me Move
This is an old-school, but effective deception tool. It involves creating a situation that appears to test a person’s honesty, so they can pass it with flying colors and you’ll be convinced he’s a trustworthy friend. Example: you leave the change from your last convenience store purchase out on the table in plain sight. Instead of taking the money, your new ‘friend’ will bring it to your attention that money has been left out and convince you that you should put it away. They will make a point of pointing out how anyone else would’ve taken the money. This is to make you believe that not only can you trust them, but that they actually have your best interests at heart and will protect you from harm. After this little charade, you’ll trust him around your valuables and want him to do all your house sitting – making it so much easier for them to take so much more from you. Now, aren’t you glad you know better than to fall for this one?
5. Every Story is a SAT Story – (Sympathy,
Admiration, Trust)
Everything they tell you about themselves is engineered to extract Sympathy, Admiration, or Trust from you. It’s a SAT story. They will present themselves as either the Hero whose selflessness and bravery is to be admired, or the Victim who is somehow treated badly or unfairly. Just remember that everyone tells SAT stories once in a while. What I’m talking about is recognizing a pattern where practically everything said is hero or victim oriented. By this time you should be seeing this as the basic theme for his life. They give so much, ask for so little, and yet somehow manage to survive the daily abuse. Oh yeah, and the abuse isn’t really abuse because (assuming they weren’t actually the abuser) it’s almost always made up or well deserved – which makes it a consequence, which brings us to the next phase of our sociopaths behavior and to our next Red Flag.
6. Consequences Don’t Compute
At first, this will be confusing to witness because it won’t make sense. Everyone understands consequences, right? I mean, we’ve been trying to avoid them as much as possible our whole lives. We begin learning consequences when we were toddlers and made that first grab for the toy we wanted that a playmate was already playing with. If we didn’t want to be spanked or get a time-out we learned to be patient and to wait our turn. Yet, somehow, this concept seems to escape the sociopath. They will claim to understand, but remember, they are compulsive liars. They’ll lie again and again. They promise “it’ll never happen again.” I’ll tell you, if Vegas took that bet, I would be betting against it every time and making plans to retire early to my own island because I have learned that those words mean only one thing: it will definitely happen again.
But, strangely, when they
commit the offense again (as predicted), they become enraged that the
consequence is there too! Cause and effect
doesn’t seem to make sense to them – BUT ONLY WHEN THEY ARE THE
CAUSE. In every other aspect of life it seems to make as much sense
to them as it does to you or I. They just don’t see the effects of their
actions as being related in any way to the action that caused it. A sociopath will
take that toy again and again but will continue to view any consequence as
“unfair”, even to the point of believing he is the victim.
Be careful, a sociopath has
no problem using his consequences to justify seeking vengeance for his
“suffering.” And since the sociopath is
never wrong, the sociopath will make the
same mistakes and bad decisions over and over regardless of the consequences.
7. Temper Tantrums / Sudden Rage
Even when children have temper tantrums it’s unacceptable. I’m talking about GROWN ASS ADULTS throwing temper tantrums. Yelling, slamming doors, overreacting to everything, causing a scene. I believe this falls under the psychopathic trait labeled “poor behavioral controls” and includes “inadequate control of anger and temper” on Robert Hare’s famous List of Psychopathic Traits. But in my experience, a sociopath can control his temper as good as anyone; he just wants you to THINK that he can’t so that he won’t be held accountable for his highly disrespectful actions or be held responsible for any of the damage or pain he causes.
A sociopath USES anger as a tool and as a
weapon. In fact, any emotion he
pretends to have is actually a tool to manipulate or a weapon to
intimidate. The sociopath will always
insists he has good “reasons” to put on such display; all of which involve blaming
you and none are which are EVER true.
Basically, they are having a tantrum because they WANT to. They are very calculating and there is a
purpose behind each calculated move. Personally, I suspect that they secretly ENJOY these ridiculous outbursts because it’s fun for them,
it makes them feel powerful and good about themselves, and it’s an adrenaline
release. Anytime they can get their adrenaline flowing is like an emotional
high for them, only without the oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone that makes us
feel giddy and emotionally closer to someone when it is released. It’s that
feeling we get when we are in love, which sociopaths are incapable of. So adrenaline and testosterone are about the
best they can get.
How do you KNOW it’s NOT
legitimate anger? First of all, their display of rage is always
disproportionate to the alleged cause because it’s NOT the cause. It’s just a
lame excuse. Secondly, there will rarely be any warning. They don’t work up to
it. They explode. This is to take you off guard so that you are more easily
intimidated. Remember, that’s the whole
point of these sudden rages – to intimidate you. The important thing to
remember is that if their anger doesn’t make sense to you and they can’t
explain it so that you at least understand why they are angry, then they aren’t
angry. They are acting. They are not out of control. Still, their actions will
be frightening as they hurl accusations, insults and threats at you. It is
NEVER ok for anyone to speak to you with this level of disrespect. I GUARANTEE that you will always regret it if
you do not immediately separate yourself from this person.
Number seven in my list
should end there but I feel compelled to tell you exactly what you can expect
if you do NOT get out. There’s 2 ways this can go, but they have the same
ending. One way is a classic psychopath reaction: nothing. It’s as if nothing
happened and you should be unaffected. There’s no apology since he never does anything
wrong. You can ask for one but either “he didn’t do anything” or “you made him
do it.” He’ll do it again whenever he pleases, especially if he succeeded in
intimidating you out of whatever it was he was trying to intimidate you from. The downward spiral has begun.
The other way is with a very
emotional apology using their Emotion Pretending Abilities, engineered to get
you to stay. They KNOW they ARE going to do it again – THAT’S WHY THEY
WANT YOU TO STAY!! They don’t care that they lie to you. So you stay, promises
are made and you think things are better than ever, then it happens again. This cycle of violence (or threats of) and
reconciliation is the basis for most abusive relationships. Side
note: Your friends and family are
only going to be there for you in the beginning, especially if the violence
gets physical, so you better get out while you still have a support network to
help you work through it.
8. One-sidedness due to Inflated Sense of Self-Worth
This is one trait that most people recognize right away. One-sidedness is like a slap in the face. It is utterly unfair, deliberately offensive and is intended to make others feel inferior. A grossly inflated view of one's value and a deflated view of everyone else's value is at the core of the sociopath’s disrespect for others. A sociopath won't let you finish a sentence during an argument -they’ll talk over you, interrupt you, and employ any of a hundred tactics meant to prevent you from saying anything that might make sense and expose them for the Drama Queens and Liars they are. A sociopath has a “win-at-all-costs” attitude including, but not limited to, sacrificing their relationship with you to “win” an argument. In their opinion, which is the only one that matters, they are always RIGHT and you are always WRONG. No compromises. No exceptions.
Their hypocrisy shows in other ways too. They
will lie to you often, but expect total honesty in return. They will demand certain
"courtesies" that they’ll refuse to reciprocate. They will try to
impose their will on you, proclaiming they have a “right” to wield authority
over you while you are “obligated” to submit. They will attempt to force or frighten
you into submission. Sociopaths are certain that they can outsmart you and
truly believe they are superior to others, and, as such, feel they are
naturally entitled to do whatever they want and have their every wish
fulfilled, hopefully at someone else’s expense.
They do not acknowledge
anyone else’s personal boundaries or respect anyone’s personal space. Privacy becomes a myth for you while they
continue to be secretive. And don’t forget that they will punish YOU for any
consequences they “suffer” due to their OWN poor behavior. It is a double standard that becomes evident
fairly early on and should be considered a HUGE red flag.
9. Patterns of Irresponsibility and Financial Recklessness Emerge
A sociopath sees no reason to fulfill their commitments and obligations. They don’t care about who it affects. They don’t care about anybody except themselves. They only said those things or agreed to those things because that’s what had to be done at the time to get what they wanted. They never had any intention of following through. Integrity is for suckers. They easily break promises. You’ll probably notice that first. They leave a trail of short and shallow relationships behind them. They ignore their children and their children’s children. They won’t pay bills unless they still need the service, preferring instead to pay up to four times the original amount after their paychecks are garnered by court order. That’s IF they have a legitimate job. Most likely they will avoid any job that doesn’t pay under the table so that they can avoid being held accountable for their financial obligations – including paying child support. They default on loans, max out their credit cards and refuse to file their taxes. They see nothing wrong with any of this. They exhibit no signs of anxiety or fear of incurring extra charges or penalties, of being sued, or even going to jail for, say, nonpayment of taxes . They don’t seem to worry what their employer will think when their wages are garnered or experience any embarrassment like you or I would if people found out what deadbeats they are.
Most of us would lose sleep or be a nervous
wreck if we did even one of these things. In contrast, the sociopath is
strangely calm and dare I say, a little proud of themselves for their own
rebelliousness. If the sociopath is trying to present himself as a love
interest, ignorant and reckless actions such as these should be considered instant deal breakers.
Do not put yourself in a position where YOU become responsible and accountable
for his deliberate transgressions.
This list is by no means
comprehensive. These Red Flags were compiled from research and experience and
are never going to be overlooked or underestimated again by this humble author.
Surely, as I continue to evolve, I will add more Red Flags to this list. I also
have several other articles planned on this particular subject. So don’t forget
to check back often.
Next time I'll give you some News from the world of
Psychology that you can use to improve your life today!
Also coming. . . Better Understanding the Items on Hare’s
Psychopathic Checklist!
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