Keywords: perspective, conflict, resolution, disagreement, relationships, getting along, point-of-view, emotions, defensive, argument, mindfulness.
When we get upset about something, it's important that we identify WHY we are upset and think it through until you are able to put it into words. This way, if we have an opportunity to discuss the problem we will be able to explain it to whoever is interested, which gives us an opportunity to SOLVE our problem. Practice your explanation until you are comfortable with it. Try to leave out any accusations or blame. Focus on relating your past experiences that helped shape your current point-of-view.
A good rule of thumb when you have a problem, is to be able to identify what is needed to counteract the problem. In other words: don't just have a problem. Be willing to work toward a solution. So, don't be so quick to attack the next time you have a disagreement with someone. Listen to their point-of-view and then respectfully tell your point-of-view. A solution will usually present itself in the process.
When we don't have the knowledge and the tools to identify our emotions and communicate them, we attack. It's a self-defense mechanism we use instinctively to protect ourselves. The problem is that when we attack first, we're not giving ourselves a chance to learn another point-of-view. Every new point-of-view we can understand or relate to expands our knowledge base that we can then use to plan, strategize, and assess situations and events better. Attacking someone who disagrees with you only drives them away, and with them, your opportunity to learn something new.
Take a deep breath, open your mind and your ears, and listen to someone who doesn't agree with you once in a while. It'll increase your knowledge and help you build stronger bonds in your relationships with others.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
What's worse than abuse?
Keywords: abuse, alienate, alienation, assault, exaggeration, humiliated, emotional support, fight-or-flight, boundaries, relationships, family, friends, victimization, victim, depression.
Do you know what's worse than being abused or assaulted?
It's coming to the realization that ALL of your friends or family either don't believe you or think you DESERVED it!
These are the people that I don't lie to because I didn't think I needed to. I am careful to not ever exaggerate either - because I don't need to. If anything, I downplay most of the things I tell people about.
But to be intimidated and humiliated by domestic abuse (not my husband or my boyfriend. Just a roommate, but because we share a house its "domestic abuse" rather than assault.), made me feel like standing up for myself. I didn't want to let him hurt me and I needed to really set some boundaries. I turned to my friends and family when I felt I needed to talk it out a bit with someone I trusted, but no one was willing to have a conversation with me about my situation. One by one, they all made it clear to me in their own ways that they were not to be considered a source of emotional support. I was on my own.
THAT'S when I felt like a victim.
It felt worse than the actual abuse. So demoralizing, dehumanizing, devaluing and ignorantly mean. Very discouraging.
You see, after an episode of abuse, the victim goes into a shock-like state. This is not voluntary. It just happens. While in this state, it is nearly impossible to think, plan, strategize, concentrate or remember things because those functions are performed by the part of the brain called the pre-frontal (controls reason) cortex, which the most primitive part of the brain called the amygdala (controls instinct) automatically blocks access to once its initiated the flight-or-fight response. So that person really needs someone they can trust to sort of guide them through what they need to do once they are in this trance-like state.
Women who don't have the support of their friends or family during a period of abuse are much more likely to think they "deserved" it and 40% more likely to stay in the abusive relationship, probably because they feel they have no where to go and no one who cares. Many slip into depression and may even begin to have unwanted suicidal thoughts.
Let me clarify what I mean by 'depression' because I think most people, even though they've heard over and over that depression is a medical condition, they still think it means really sad. Depression is a disease that literally disorganizes a person's brain. That is some serious shit. Also, people with depression are more susceptible to other unhealthy conditions such as diabetes and cancer.According to some studies, people with depression are more likely to be dead within ten years than those without.
Bottom line is this: If you know someone who says they are being abused, don't make it worse by blaming them or rolling your eyes at them. At the very least, let them have a conversation with you about it before you decide they are lying. Also, DO NOT LIE ABOUT being abused - ever! It's wrong on so many levels.
Just give your loved ones the benefit of the doubt once in a while and try to err on the side of compassion.
Do you know what's worse than being abused or assaulted?
It's coming to the realization that ALL of your friends or family either don't believe you or think you DESERVED it!
These are the people that I don't lie to because I didn't think I needed to. I am careful to not ever exaggerate either - because I don't need to. If anything, I downplay most of the things I tell people about.
But to be intimidated and humiliated by domestic abuse (not my husband or my boyfriend. Just a roommate, but because we share a house its "domestic abuse" rather than assault.), made me feel like standing up for myself. I didn't want to let him hurt me and I needed to really set some boundaries. I turned to my friends and family when I felt I needed to talk it out a bit with someone I trusted, but no one was willing to have a conversation with me about my situation. One by one, they all made it clear to me in their own ways that they were not to be considered a source of emotional support. I was on my own.
THAT'S when I felt like a victim.
It felt worse than the actual abuse. So demoralizing, dehumanizing, devaluing and ignorantly mean. Very discouraging.
You see, after an episode of abuse, the victim goes into a shock-like state. This is not voluntary. It just happens. While in this state, it is nearly impossible to think, plan, strategize, concentrate or remember things because those functions are performed by the part of the brain called the pre-frontal (controls reason) cortex, which the most primitive part of the brain called the amygdala (controls instinct) automatically blocks access to once its initiated the flight-or-fight response. So that person really needs someone they can trust to sort of guide them through what they need to do once they are in this trance-like state.
Women who don't have the support of their friends or family during a period of abuse are much more likely to think they "deserved" it and 40% more likely to stay in the abusive relationship, probably because they feel they have no where to go and no one who cares. Many slip into depression and may even begin to have unwanted suicidal thoughts.
Let me clarify what I mean by 'depression' because I think most people, even though they've heard over and over that depression is a medical condition, they still think it means really sad. Depression is a disease that literally disorganizes a person's brain. That is some serious shit. Also, people with depression are more susceptible to other unhealthy conditions such as diabetes and cancer.According to some studies, people with depression are more likely to be dead within ten years than those without.
Bottom line is this: If you know someone who says they are being abused, don't make it worse by blaming them or rolling your eyes at them. At the very least, let them have a conversation with you about it before you decide they are lying. Also, DO NOT LIE ABOUT being abused - ever! It's wrong on so many levels.
Just give your loved ones the benefit of the doubt once in a while and try to err on the side of compassion.
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